I tend to think of things in terms of how they fit in time-wise. I got a degree in history and the past is always something that has been a hobby of mine. So when I am watching something, like a film, that takes place at any time other than the present, I can't help but think about what was going on in the world when the events of the story are unfolding. Even if the setting is the present, but the movie or book or TV show was produced in the past, I think of that past. It is one of the great joys of watching certain shows, like The Twilight Zone (thinking about the world of the early 60s), but it can also distract. One example off the top of my head is Pulp Fiction: no matter what I do, I just cannot stop myself from thinking about everything I know about the mid 90s while watching it, including what the actors were probably doing after work. Watching the early seasons of Friends? Talking about the Clinton administration? Whatever, in any case, I sit there and think about that rather than the movie...it is a curse.
In my own life, I also think of things temporally. I think this is not unusual. People often come up with when something happened by speaking of it relative to some bigger event in life. That was before I graduated high school; it was right after I got married; not sure exactly, but I know it was before I started working at my current job. It is important, to me, to think like this. I cherish the past and consider it worth remembering.
To this end, I try to block my life off into sections. The sections are sometimes fluid, and one day of the past might fit into multiple sections. But when I think of them, I get a very specific sense. If my life were a book, there would be tabs at the beginnings of these sections (Temporal Tabs if you will). I will highlight one for you now. It is simple enough because it is just one year but it is worth remembering, and worth describing. The year is 2011.
When I think 2011, I think of a carefree time, a comfortable time. I think of a period of getting back on my feet, but feeling stronger all the time. It was a good year. If you have read one of my previous posts, you will know that my dad died in 2010. When 2011 started, it had only been a little over a month since his funeral. I remember spending that New Years Eve with my mom. I got an Ale 8 from (I think) Ameristop on our way home from spending time with my grandma. I put the bottle, once empty, into a koozie my dad used when he was sick. I still have the bottle and it is still in the koozie, which reads "Golfers Never Lose Their Grip". So that's how it started.
The first few months I was in the second semester of my sophomore year of college. Honestly, I don't remember much about that. Did the Royal Wedding happen in 2011? If so, I had a big paper on the night before that I had to write. By the time I finished it, it was time for the wedding festivities to start over in London, which I thought was funny enough for a Facebook status at the time.
I do remember the Spring Semester ending. I was so happy to be free again. The last time I had time off was the Christmas after dad died which was sort of hard, so this time was more of a breath of fresh air. One morning, my sister and I started watching the X Files and we spent much of the summer watching it when we both had time. Amazingly, I think we got all the way to the point where David Duchovny left the series by the time school started again in August. I remember that summer well. I was very concerned about the Reds, who had had a playoff attempt the year before for the first time in many years. They were not as good in 2011, much to my chagrin. One game I remember watching, the Reds got smoked by a pitcher named Ian Kennedy for the Arizona Diamondbacks. I was in disbelief as he just decimated Reds hitting. I think this might have been a bit of a fluke because, while I am sure he is an incredibly talented man, I have not heard much about him at all! I also think that season saw a game which went into a ridiculous inning count, something like 19 innings, I don't know. The Reds lost, early in the morning, with their opponents (pretty sure it was the Phillies) using their CATCHER to pitch because they had exhausted all other options for the evening...
But it was all good. Good times are what I think of. Mowing my grandma's lawn, going to Mass and dinner afterward on Saturday, helping mom vacuum on weekends, going to Kings Island. All of this consistent, with very few interruptions, all summer. And then my Fall semester in 2011, the beginning of my Junior year, was by far the easiest semester I have ever had in school since probably primary school. I was taking 3 fewer credit hours than my other semesters due to a sort of scheduling loophole (I know that does not make much sense, but it is not worth explaining), and 3 of those hours were this computer class which usually ended in 20 minutes (instead of the 50 it was supposed to run) that involved the most basic computer functions on Excel and Word. Oh my goodness, what a time.
I also was taking only two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the later one ending at like 10:30 or something, so I got to go home and have the rest of the day off. And one of those classes (the later one) was East Asian History which was one of my very favorite I have ever taken. What made it even better is that I was also much more into Anime then, and I had a good time thinking about Anime when learning Japanese history. AND the professor was the father of one of my favorite high school history teachers, and he was great like his son. Gosh what a great class. And when I got home, I usually made a Meijer pizza in the microwave and ate it while watching American Ninja Warrior and then falling asleep.
One other great thing that happened that Fall was my discovery of Creepy Pastas. That was when I found the /x/ board on 4chan. I had one hell of a good time scaring myself with those things. It was relatively early for creepypastas. Of course many of the classics existed, but they were newer, and I was experiencing them for the first time.
I also ramped up my Youtube career for the only time in my life by doing terrible reviews of 1.) the video games I own for older consoles and 2.) comic books because my cousin got me into buying comics for the New 52 (as I think it was called) when DC revived many of their characters such as Batman, Superman, the Green Lantern, etc.
This was a period in time when my little sister and I would spend time together watching YouTube (Vlogbrothers, before they got really political) and playing games together (...I did enjoy watching her play Nancy Drew games, I have good memories of this, okay, sue me).
So, in the context of coming off of the greatest tragedy I had ever experienced, these happy moments filled my calendar. I should mention that my family was the bedrock of everything. Sharing my time and my interests with them during this period made it such a time of recovery. I sort of fell off the world when dad died, and I came back because of 2011.
The year ended similar to how it began, spending New Year with my mom. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the 2011 temporal tab is that it really was self-contained. That basically never happens. The year was its own distinct section of time, like an island between two periods, with the illness and death of my father preceding it. The next section started right at the beginning of 2012, when in January I started a serious relationship that lasted five years - and ended poorly enough to surround all the memories associated with it, even if only temporally, with poison and toxicity (see my previous post of Treacherous Nostalgia). But anyway, that 5 year period is its own section, with subsections in it because it was so long, but the beginning of it is so distinct as to serve as the end of that beautiful and warm section known as 2011.
So here's to 2011. You helped me get back on my feet, and even today you still provide a warm smile to my face. I hope that more 2011's await me in the future, because it was a really awesome year.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Treacherous Nostalgia
Wow! On a whim I decided to try to find the old blog I started years ago and a few clicks later, here I am. The only reason there is an update to this blog 6 years after the last update and a mind-boggling (to me at least) NINE years since I started it is the fact that it is linked to my Google/Gmail account. I have had my Gmail email account since 2005, and the person who actually created the blog was my first girlfriend. It was fall of Freshman year in high school, and she and I hit it off in the Drama Club (the play we were preparing for was Our Town, which is a miserable piece of theater and my tiny role in it was a pitiful excuse for an introduction to acting, and maybe that's why my career ended where it began - in high school). She more or less told me that she liked and that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. Who was I to not oblige? I was a 14 year old boy thrown into the scary and unfamiliar world of high school. The world of grade school and its rules were gone. The king is dead, long live the king. Except I was more like a member of the royal family in grade school and high school was a dynasty change and now I was kicked out of the palace and subjected to life as a pauper. Dramatic, I know, but that is how it felt in some ways. I went from being in a familiar, comfortable world that I knew, had a great handle on, and was respected. In high school, my class was only 50% or so composed of my grade school classmates, so I had to start over and I was not ready for it. My grade school friends were more ready for it, maybe because they were not as happy in grade school. Anyway, I digress, but the point is, it was a shock, and the novelty of a girlfriend was too hard to pass up.
So she made me a Gmail account (without asking me I think) and IM'd me the login and password and voila! We used it first to talk to each other, and she broke up with me (the first time) over it too! As time went on, it became my main personal email address. By the time I graduated from college and lost my college domain email address, I exclusively used the old Gmail account, and do to this day. So when I Googled Blogspot, I clicked on Blogger (I could've sworn I made a "Blogspot" account but maybe Blogger ate Blogspot, I don't know, too lazy to research), and I was already logged in, looking at my previous posts.
So here I am droning on about my early high school experience and my first girlfriend. She was not a good girlfriend and I was not a good boyfriend. We went on two dates in person, both to see movies (Over the Hedge and one of the X Men movies) and the rest of our relationship more or less happened over AOL Instant Messenger. The point I am trying to make is that I am focusing on these past things that sat in my heart for one reason or another all the way to the present, nearly 15 years later as I write this. Which is relevant to the topic of this post, what I am calling Treacherous Nostalgia.
Why "Treacherous"? Most of the time, I relish in my memories. To sort of paraphrase Bran Stark, I sort of spend a lot of time in the past. I like to think about the past. I like history, but I also mean I like to think about my own past. It is a warm and familiar place, sort of like grade school, whereas the present is threatening, and the future is uncertain. I recognize that this is not a fair way to look at time. What can I say? I think one of the reasons I like history so much is I know the ending of the great stories - the Patriots win the Revolution, the Cold War ends without nuclear war, etc. In contrast, the future is uncertain. We could all die tomorrow. As bleak as that outlook is, and it is not the outlook the governs my life mind you, it is a fact. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
The warmth of the past - my personal past - is a happy refuge for me. I go there when I am happy to connect it to current happiness. I go there when I am discouraged to find motivation (remembering where I came from, who has had faith in me, and the love that has allowed me to get to where I am today can turn my mood around like magic). I go there when I am sad, to remember the times that are gone forever and to deepen my sadness. That is where it starts to get treacherous. But even there, it is not by itself a traitor to me. That deepened sadness can sometimes bring new life into the present, to help me realize that the present will be gone soon too, and I will miss it just as much, so I had better enjoy it now.
So, let's get to the point. The treachery really comes when that past sadness is related to my own failures, and seemingly no reconciliation is to be had. Thinking about the good times that I have lost through my own stupidity, by not feeding friendships, or some other reason, hurts. Where my refuge of comfort and refreshment once stood, now I find only a cold and thorny wasteland, reminding me that the present in its current stage is the result of being forcefully removed from the past because of my own actions.
The memories that hurt like this are of things that are truly gone. I remember sources of warmth which have long since cooled. And things I associate with those memories create sort of minefields in the past, places where I had warm memories but the present state of affairs poisons them and even unassociated memories which surround them.
I was engaged to a girl to whom I am no longer engaged. That was hard! I am very joyful to say I am now engaged to another, wonderful woman, and I do not mean to disparage that relationship at all. It means the entire world to me. The point I am trying to make is only that sometimes, things unrelated to that ex fiancee from years ago, but which, temporally, are related to her, are poisoned by the fact that memories of her are treacherous, like a minefield. I can try to walk around in memories from that time, but there is a chance that I will hit a mine and the memories will turn sour and start to hurt. That, I suppose, is the treachery.
Solution? Fortunately, as I have said, I recognize that the present is what I will yearn for in the future, so enjoying it, embracing it, finding refuge in the PRESENT, I believe, is something I should try to do more. The past is a warm, lovely place. I love to visit it. I always will. But the present can be just as warm, and sometimes can be even sweeter. I don't give it enough credit, and one day I will miss it. I will always be able to visit it later, but it will have a tang of pain in it because it is gone. Today, it is here. And it is a source of strong, present joy that requires no mental time machine to experience. And if a nuclear war puts the UN in UNCERTAIN, then at least the present had its time to shine even if it did not get to turn into the easy-to-love past. Thank you, God, for the present. Thank you God for the past. Thank you God, for hope for the future.
I hope these thoughts have not been too rambling. When I wrote them, future reader, they did make sense, more or less. But for now, I should probably go to bed. It is a Wednesday night for heaven's sake! Maybe I will update this small piece of the Internet soon, and I will try to make it a more positive thought next time. I really am a happy person, but finding this just made me nostalgic, and highlighting the traitorous nostalgia just seemed like what I was meant to put here, for now.
So she made me a Gmail account (without asking me I think) and IM'd me the login and password and voila! We used it first to talk to each other, and she broke up with me (the first time) over it too! As time went on, it became my main personal email address. By the time I graduated from college and lost my college domain email address, I exclusively used the old Gmail account, and do to this day. So when I Googled Blogspot, I clicked on Blogger (I could've sworn I made a "Blogspot" account but maybe Blogger ate Blogspot, I don't know, too lazy to research), and I was already logged in, looking at my previous posts.
So here I am droning on about my early high school experience and my first girlfriend. She was not a good girlfriend and I was not a good boyfriend. We went on two dates in person, both to see movies (Over the Hedge and one of the X Men movies) and the rest of our relationship more or less happened over AOL Instant Messenger. The point I am trying to make is that I am focusing on these past things that sat in my heart for one reason or another all the way to the present, nearly 15 years later as I write this. Which is relevant to the topic of this post, what I am calling Treacherous Nostalgia.
Why "Treacherous"? Most of the time, I relish in my memories. To sort of paraphrase Bran Stark, I sort of spend a lot of time in the past. I like to think about the past. I like history, but I also mean I like to think about my own past. It is a warm and familiar place, sort of like grade school, whereas the present is threatening, and the future is uncertain. I recognize that this is not a fair way to look at time. What can I say? I think one of the reasons I like history so much is I know the ending of the great stories - the Patriots win the Revolution, the Cold War ends without nuclear war, etc. In contrast, the future is uncertain. We could all die tomorrow. As bleak as that outlook is, and it is not the outlook the governs my life mind you, it is a fact. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
The warmth of the past - my personal past - is a happy refuge for me. I go there when I am happy to connect it to current happiness. I go there when I am discouraged to find motivation (remembering where I came from, who has had faith in me, and the love that has allowed me to get to where I am today can turn my mood around like magic). I go there when I am sad, to remember the times that are gone forever and to deepen my sadness. That is where it starts to get treacherous. But even there, it is not by itself a traitor to me. That deepened sadness can sometimes bring new life into the present, to help me realize that the present will be gone soon too, and I will miss it just as much, so I had better enjoy it now.
So, let's get to the point. The treachery really comes when that past sadness is related to my own failures, and seemingly no reconciliation is to be had. Thinking about the good times that I have lost through my own stupidity, by not feeding friendships, or some other reason, hurts. Where my refuge of comfort and refreshment once stood, now I find only a cold and thorny wasteland, reminding me that the present in its current stage is the result of being forcefully removed from the past because of my own actions.
The memories that hurt like this are of things that are truly gone. I remember sources of warmth which have long since cooled. And things I associate with those memories create sort of minefields in the past, places where I had warm memories but the present state of affairs poisons them and even unassociated memories which surround them.
I was engaged to a girl to whom I am no longer engaged. That was hard! I am very joyful to say I am now engaged to another, wonderful woman, and I do not mean to disparage that relationship at all. It means the entire world to me. The point I am trying to make is only that sometimes, things unrelated to that ex fiancee from years ago, but which, temporally, are related to her, are poisoned by the fact that memories of her are treacherous, like a minefield. I can try to walk around in memories from that time, but there is a chance that I will hit a mine and the memories will turn sour and start to hurt. That, I suppose, is the treachery.
Solution? Fortunately, as I have said, I recognize that the present is what I will yearn for in the future, so enjoying it, embracing it, finding refuge in the PRESENT, I believe, is something I should try to do more. The past is a warm, lovely place. I love to visit it. I always will. But the present can be just as warm, and sometimes can be even sweeter. I don't give it enough credit, and one day I will miss it. I will always be able to visit it later, but it will have a tang of pain in it because it is gone. Today, it is here. And it is a source of strong, present joy that requires no mental time machine to experience. And if a nuclear war puts the UN in UNCERTAIN, then at least the present had its time to shine even if it did not get to turn into the easy-to-love past. Thank you, God, for the present. Thank you God for the past. Thank you God, for hope for the future.
I hope these thoughts have not been too rambling. When I wrote them, future reader, they did make sense, more or less. But for now, I should probably go to bed. It is a Wednesday night for heaven's sake! Maybe I will update this small piece of the Internet soon, and I will try to make it a more positive thought next time. I really am a happy person, but finding this just made me nostalgic, and highlighting the traitorous nostalgia just seemed like what I was meant to put here, for now.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Dragonzball P
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Disiullusionment or Hope?
My dad passed away on November 16, 2010 at 10:15 PM. One thing which has come into mind since then is what now? I decided even before he left his earthly body that I knew a few things. First, I know there is an afterlife. Second, I know there is a heaven and a hell in that afterlife, and that Purgatory is a step before heaven and all souls in Purgatory WILL be in heaven. Third, Jesus died so that humans may be with Him in eternal happiness in heaven. Fourth, there is a communion of saints in heaven made up of the souls of the men and women who are with God eternally in his Kingdom. Fifth, as a consequence of the fourth point, all souls in heaven who are with God forever are also with each other forever, so anyone who is in heaven will always be with God and also every other saint in heaven.
I knew and know those things. It is by the gifts of faith and hope that I know them, and these gifts I cherish and will cherish for the rest of my life here on earth, until I no longer need them.
One thing that I can never possibly know while I remain in this earthly life is the particular destiny of the soul of my dad. I know his soul is somewhere, living on. But, I feel almost entirely certain that if he is not already in heaven, in the communion of saints, he is in Purgatory, on his way to heaven. Of this I feel more certain than anything I have ever felt about before without being able to know for sure. I pray for him everyday, but I do not think he needs it because I think he is probably already in heaven.
My dad lived a very good life. In fact, he is the best, holiest, and greatest person I ever knew personally. Also, he was forgiven of his sins, via the sacraments of Annointing of the Sick and Reconciliation, shortly before his death, the final time when he was in a comatose state and could not conceivably committ any sins.
Because of everything I have written in this post so far, combined with the fact that my dad was and is my best friend, I desire more than anything I have ever desired to go home to heaven to be with my dad. Before I do that, however, I know I must be like Christ in as many ways as I can. I want to be just like my dad and to do what he would want me to do, which is be like Jesus. I know I cannot simply leave this life: it is not my place to decide when I will begin my eternal life. Thus, I must, for God and my dad, do my best to be the best person I can be in this earthly life.
This leads me to the division between disillusionment and hope. Knowing all that I know, should I just give up on this world? Surely, I am focused no longer on this world. My eyes are set firmly on heaven, where my dad lives or at least will live soon I believe. That is where I want to be for the rest of eternity. There, I will be with dad again, and we two best buddies can be re-united, and we will never have to leave each other again. Even better, we will, together, be with all of our loved ones and with God who is all good. I admit this is what drives every movement, every breath, every heartbeat, every ounce of strength used by me.
But, back to my question, should I give up on the earthly, non-eternal world? St. Augustine wrote about the "two cities", the City of Man and the City of God. My goal is essentially the City of God, and this earthly life is the City of Man. The City of Man will fall. It is as certain to come to an end as all living things on earth. The City of God is not only eternal but is also characterized by perfection, happiness, and the complete absence of suffering.
But I know that I cannot become totally disillusioned with this world. Although I consider myself to be in this world, but not of this world, to be a pilgrim who is merely passing through to a better place, I know that while I am in this world and while I am passing through, I must be good. I must work for the good. It is what God wants, it is what my dad would and does still want of me.
And so, armed with the constant guidance of God and perpetual prayers of Our Lady, all the angels, all the saints, and of course my best friend, my dad, I go forth to be the best pilgrim I can be, to bring to this earth in as many ways as I can the very Kingdom of God toward which I journey. With the Lord as my light and my dad ever by my side, how can I fail?
I cannot. I shall not. And for this, I say now and will say for all time, Glory to God in the highest. And while I'm here on earth, I say peace to His people on earth.
I knew and know those things. It is by the gifts of faith and hope that I know them, and these gifts I cherish and will cherish for the rest of my life here on earth, until I no longer need them.
One thing that I can never possibly know while I remain in this earthly life is the particular destiny of the soul of my dad. I know his soul is somewhere, living on. But, I feel almost entirely certain that if he is not already in heaven, in the communion of saints, he is in Purgatory, on his way to heaven. Of this I feel more certain than anything I have ever felt about before without being able to know for sure. I pray for him everyday, but I do not think he needs it because I think he is probably already in heaven.
My dad lived a very good life. In fact, he is the best, holiest, and greatest person I ever knew personally. Also, he was forgiven of his sins, via the sacraments of Annointing of the Sick and Reconciliation, shortly before his death, the final time when he was in a comatose state and could not conceivably committ any sins.
Because of everything I have written in this post so far, combined with the fact that my dad was and is my best friend, I desire more than anything I have ever desired to go home to heaven to be with my dad. Before I do that, however, I know I must be like Christ in as many ways as I can. I want to be just like my dad and to do what he would want me to do, which is be like Jesus. I know I cannot simply leave this life: it is not my place to decide when I will begin my eternal life. Thus, I must, for God and my dad, do my best to be the best person I can be in this earthly life.
This leads me to the division between disillusionment and hope. Knowing all that I know, should I just give up on this world? Surely, I am focused no longer on this world. My eyes are set firmly on heaven, where my dad lives or at least will live soon I believe. That is where I want to be for the rest of eternity. There, I will be with dad again, and we two best buddies can be re-united, and we will never have to leave each other again. Even better, we will, together, be with all of our loved ones and with God who is all good. I admit this is what drives every movement, every breath, every heartbeat, every ounce of strength used by me.
But, back to my question, should I give up on the earthly, non-eternal world? St. Augustine wrote about the "two cities", the City of Man and the City of God. My goal is essentially the City of God, and this earthly life is the City of Man. The City of Man will fall. It is as certain to come to an end as all living things on earth. The City of God is not only eternal but is also characterized by perfection, happiness, and the complete absence of suffering.
But I know that I cannot become totally disillusioned with this world. Although I consider myself to be in this world, but not of this world, to be a pilgrim who is merely passing through to a better place, I know that while I am in this world and while I am passing through, I must be good. I must work for the good. It is what God wants, it is what my dad would and does still want of me.
And so, armed with the constant guidance of God and perpetual prayers of Our Lady, all the angels, all the saints, and of course my best friend, my dad, I go forth to be the best pilgrim I can be, to bring to this earth in as many ways as I can the very Kingdom of God toward which I journey. With the Lord as my light and my dad ever by my side, how can I fail?
I cannot. I shall not. And for this, I say now and will say for all time, Glory to God in the highest. And while I'm here on earth, I say peace to His people on earth.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Bucket Listing
If you have never heard of a bucket list, it is a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket. I guess it could be called the "farm list" of things to do before buying the farm, or the "dust list" of things to do before biting the dust, etc, but the originators of the term chose the "kick the bucket" motif for whatever reason. I think this concept is really great because goals are the fuel behind any great achievement and such a list allows you to have some goals tangibly in front of you. My bucket list isn't very long, probably because I didn't start it until March (approximately), but here it is.
Bob's Bucket List Extraordinaire:
1.) Learn Japanese
2.) Buy a racehorse and see it do well and retire happily
That's it. Maybe I'll add to this later, in fact it would seem likely that I will. Now, mind you, this list is not my list of MAJOR goals by any means. I feel that my most important life goals are designed for a more significant type of categorization than this smaller bucket list, but these are some little things I want to do before I leave this world behind. Hopefully if you don't already have one, this post will inspire you to come up with a list of a few small things you'd like to accomplish before you, too, kick the proverbial bucket.
It's never too late to make a bucket list. With that being said, let's hope that we all still have a lot of time left to work on checking off our respective lists!
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